Dear Retro Wifey,
I saw your post last night about the family on TV with the extremely disrespectful kids and wanted to ask for some advice since I am in the same boat. I have 4 children ages 16, 14, 10 and 4. The biggest problem I have is with my 10 year old who thinks that she can tell me no whenever she likes, yell at me and be mean to her siblings whenever things do not go her way. I have tried EVERYTHING, and I mean I have tried it all!! I don't know what else to do. I am told from some people she will outgrow it, she is more emotional than the other kids, its her personality, blah blah. She does well in School, gets great grades and is very smart and thriving except in her relationships with her family. Some days its very hard on me and my husband because of the constant fighting with the kids and her attitude stresses all of us. What else can I do? We love her dearly, she is just very difficult and I feel horrible in saying so, but its the truth....I would LOVE to hear from some other parents who may be going through the same thing or who have that one child who is driven by emotions, its very hard to fix. Thank you so much in advance for anyone who offers advice. I appreciate it greatly and I LOVE your page and blog xoxo
~Mommy needs answers
I highly recommend "Boundaries with Kids" and "Boundaries with Teens". These books will change your life.
ReplyDeleteWonder if the 10 year old has someone (other than a family member) she would talk to, she maybe jealous of one of the others, or feel she isn't heard and might talk with another adult and help to find out what is causing the attitude...
ReplyDeleteIt soulds like you and your husband are really at you rwits end and have been trying your best to deal with this all alone. The good news is that you don't have to! My first instinct is to tell you to get down on your knees-the ones that kneel so quickly when you are gardening-and ask the Lord for help. He always listens and will provide help! In addition to doing that each and every day find a liscensed family counselor and go have a talk and don't put off finding a solutionany longer. Sometimes we parents are just so close to it all that we can't see the big picture.I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI'm a mom of 5 now grown children, 18 to 30. Girls do tend to be very emotional creatures. She could be early hormonal, she is 10. Also, she is sort of the "middle child" as the others 2 are teens and then there is a big span between her and your 4 year old. I dealt with middle child syndrome with my son. He went to counseling in his elementary and middle school years. Try some one on one time as she may feel like she's fighting for attention. I always feel that it may be okay for them to feel they way they do but not okay to be disrespectful to their parents or mean to siblings. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHello! I read your "cry for help" on FB. Being a mother of 8 children, I thought that I could maybe give you some advice. My children are now 32, 30, 28, 26, 23, 19, 14 and 7 years of age. Your 10 year old reminds me A LOT of my now 23 year old daughter. In fact, it sounded just like a description of her! She had, and has to this day, a VERY strong will. She is quite intelligent, and started "telling me off" at a very early age. No matter what I did, it didn't seem to work. If she didn't get her way, she'd have a fit. There was no point in reasoning with her, because she'd out-talk me. Please don't feel horrible about saying that your daughter is difficult, because it's the truth, and I know how stressful this type of behavior can be. To a certain extent, my daughter still acts like that. However, about 10 years ago I just started ignoring her, when she started being very sassy or going on one of her rampages. I stated my case once or twice, and that was it. I didn't carry on any long discussions. If things were starting to get out of control, I'd say, for instance: one more word, then you're grounded. No more words, I'd just follow through with it, no matter how crazily she behaved. She'd often say the most terrible things to me, but I wouldn't react and would try to just go about my business like she wasn't there. As far as your daughter saying "no", make it clear to her that you can also say "no". The next time she wants to have a friend over, the answer's no! I know it hurts a mother when her child can't participate in something that would be fun, but you have to go through with it. Believe me...after a few missed activities, she'll most likely think twice about saying "no" to you all the time! I hate to say it, but it IS part of her personality! My daughter can be, to this very day, quite overbearing, but when I start ignoring her, she realizes that's she'd gone too far. A family has to live by certain guidelines, so that life is, on the whole, pleasant for ALL the family members! I know that it can be quite trying at times, inspite of all the joy a family brings. Don't be afraid to stand your ground. And, of course, we parents also make mistakes. We're human, and not machines. Take good care of yourself...that is SO important! Best wishes, Lanita Walter, Austria
ReplyDeletesend her to public school for a week- that worked with my child! Came back with a much improved perspective.
ReplyDeleteso you are trying to "fix" her so she fit into the herd, if she is doing well in all other aspects of her life, perhaps it is you who is trying so hard to pigeonhole her instead of listening to her. try talking to her and seeing how you can meet her intelligence, instead of trying to dumb her down to you.
ReplyDeleteI am not in your shoes, but it is not fair to the other family members to be treated and have to live like this. You need a counselor trained in this, she WOULD GO whether she wanted do or not. There are also homes that she could live in until she saw how much she has to really appreciate. Tough love is the best answer and no giving in. She will appreciate you one day for this. Don't let the entire family suffer. I would not be surprised if friends are influencing her in this behavior. Pray Pray Pray
ReplyDelete3 of my children are grown and out of the home now and in retrospect, I wish we would have sought family counseling for one of our troubled children. I'm a true do it yourselfer but there ARE some things that others can do better! I would encourage you to do the same. ♥
ReplyDeleteDear Mommy needs answers,
ReplyDeleteBoy, does this bring back memories! I am a mother of 7 children (yes, gave birth to them all.) I had them all in the space of ten years, and I'm writing this so you can be somewhat assured as to my "qualifications" lol. We also homeschooled for a period of time. My kids are now aged 22-32 yrs. I survived and you will too!!! That's the good news, and you can rely on it. What strikes me are the dynamics at play here -- and perhaps I should pause here to insert that I am currently pursuing a Masters degree in Conflict Analysis and Management (how ironic is that?! LOL) -- Your daughter is a middle child, who is entering puberty. She's finding her voice, as raw and rough as this process might be. The most important response I can suggest is that you pause and take the time to listen to what she has to say. Validate her. It sounds like she needs to feel that she is loved by you unconditionally. Her outbursts are a symptom, rather than the real problem. Focus on the basic underlying needs, i.e. affirmation and unconditional love, and the negative behaviours will eventually disappear on their own. Be joyful, give hugs, tell her that she's such a great kid and your family just wouldn't be the same without her! Two notes: validation does not imply that you agree with her words of behavior. Validate the person even as you lovingly articulate the consequences of her behavior. Love, love, love her and also be consistent with the consequences you set. Choose your battles wisely - I assume you're not trying to run a boot camp. Good luck to you and your beautiful family!
Surviving and Thriving
No comments on this post? As a mom to four girls my best advice starts with:Don't let em push your buttons.As hard as it is, don't engage in the verbal stuff that happens.Ignore it.Be firm.Say what you mean & mean what you say. Say it w/love but never don't follow thru. Your kids are smart. They'll know when you are wavering & hit U below the belt&when u are at your weakest.Stick to your guns.Remove other kids when she's being mean.Let them go for a walk, play outside. Keep her w/U while Dad takes them somewhere. Take away cell, computer,TV,outside privileges.Drive her to a neighborhood where the kids are very poor,& live in rundown ramshackle houses. Sign her up to volunteer somewhere she'll get a dose of the real world. Most of all, love her (him).Love her when she's mouthy, ugly& you're madder then a wet hen. Don't react. Take 5, Go to the bathroom & splash your face with cold water. Make out your grocery list, do your nails. Come out unruffled&repeat what U expect. When they can't get a rise out of U it drives em crazy:-) As they comply,&do what U ask, give them lots of positive attention.Kids will do whatever's necessary to get your attention-even if it's negative attention -it's still attention. Sit her down & ask her what motivates the attacks on U&other family members. Make a deal w/her for positive outcomes & behaviors &reward it. Set aside time for U&her to be together -just the 2 of U-no one else & make sure U stay off your phone&give her undivided attention. This acting out could be a cry for attention on her part to let U know she feels she's not being heard.(This's not to say I don't think U aren't a great parent.) Wishing U peaceful times ahead & great outcomes. Hugs ()()()Chris
ReplyDeleteTough love. Strong boundaries. Set up new boundaries, if needed, and follow through with the consequences. Maybe include her in the new set of rules and have her input to help her being onboard. I was that girl. I did grow out of it once I was out on my own. I needed consequences and consistant follow through. My son is 12 and he does better if he knows the agenda ahead of time and receives 30 minute, 10 minute and 5 minute warnings. He also does better if he knows that he gets to do (video games or tv etc...) after he finishes something else, like chores or homework, OR being kind to her siblings) I know that it did not do me any good having my parents kissing up to me. Steady structured agenda with rules and consequences that are followed through with. And try staying as calm as possible with a firm tone as the consequences are given. On the other hand... I love the Tyler Perry "MADEA" Movie approach also... :-) If you haven't seen one you might want to watch one just for fun.
ReplyDeleteAlso... She needs to be set in timeout or in her room away from the rest of you that are having fun. She needs to experience the pain of not getting her way if she acts like a brat... Since I was that girl I know what would have helped me. She needs her disrespectful habits broken and a new set created. She can have rewards and get to do what she likes to do as long as... (she is kind and respectful to her parents and siblings) If she is not then she does not get her way. If she is, then she does. Just like in society. If you do something wrong or illegal there are consequences. If you are rude to your boss or co-workers you have consequences... She needs a safe place to learn them now. Set up those new rules, with you and your husband IN CHARGE, and her FOLLOWING those NEW RULES. Maybe create a list of rules and consequences & rewards with her. She might be trying to get attention (being the middle child.) She is successful in school. What type of setup do they have there that works for her. They must have a routine, schedule, agenda, rules, consequences etc... Maybe trying to follow a similar system at home would help her.
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